There’s a new Bumblebee Tuna up for you to read, stare at for a moment and quietly chuckle before checking to see that no one saw you.

Click Here

Whilst sitting outside a cafe Saturday an odd thing happened. Quite unexpectedly, strange white egg-like things as cold as ice began falling from somewhere high in the stratosphere.

As I turned from my mildly warm coffee to watch the phenomena I realised that it must be step two in the current secret alien invasion of the Saucer People from the planet Saucer. Quickly, without anyone noticing, I stepped out into the cascading objects and used my lightning fast matrix-style reflexes to dodge all the falling pieces to pick myself a sample.

It would’ve been a faster discovery had my coffee been hot but unfortunately we were in a place with an inadequately skilled barista and had to make do with a slow melting of my sample in a luke warm cup of coffee. Slowly the ice melted away and as if from nowhere a pigeon exploded from my mildly heated coffee and flew out into the storm.

“Gadzooks!” I yelped.

Fortunately, everyone within the coffee-house thought I was performing a magic trick and applauded.

They couldn’t see the horror that was coming.

I took my date by the hand and with visions of the Bourne Identity coming to mind, I leapt into a small european car and began driving through traffic at high speeds as only small european cars can.

“Eeek!” She screamed from the passenger seat as we dodged yet another fire engine and rounded an ambulance and knocked over an old woman being helped across the street by a young scout.

I couldn’t quite hear what she said then, but it sounded like: “Oh my god! You’re so sexy, like an action hero!”

“I know.” I told her. “I know.”

Rain began pouring down. Sheets of water making it more and more difficult to see out the windscreen. I glanced out the side window at the crowds on the streets putting up umbrellas, they were getting a lot of the water but I knew that it was localized over us. They were trying to stop us. The bastards!

I had to stop quickly and I knew only one way to do it. I slammed on the brakes and twisted the steering wheel, turning the small european car into the nearest building. The front crumpled as we came to a complete stop against the wall of the building.

“Quick! Get out of the car!” I yelled, “I don’t want you getting hurt!”

She opened the door and fell out of the car, landing on some of the people that had heroically given their lives to help us stop the vehicle in time. She screamed.

“It’s okay,” I lifted her by the arm. “We’ll be harder to track on foot. they’ll never stop us.”

Then I shouted to the heavens: “Never!!”

The crowd was thick and soggy like a young child’s blanket after a nightmare but we broke through the masses, pushing old people left, young children right and I was forced to send an occupied stroller careening off into the street just to make it through.

I think one man in the crowd was coming to the realisation this was more than just bad weather because I heard him scream out: “You son-of-a-bitch!”

We rounded the corner and leapt up the stairs to Doctor Albarn’s office. He was the only one who would know what to do. I pulled the door open and let my date through first, a time of crisis is no reason to stop being a gentlemen, she looked at me with terrified, wild eyes. She had every reason to be frightened, the invasion was beginning.

I approached the nurses station and I told her to get Doctor Albarn.

“To what is this referring?” She asked casually.

“Are you mad woman?” I yelled, “Can’t you see what’s going on? Those aren’t hailstones outside! They’re cryogenically frozen pigeon embryos!”

She looked at me, obviously scared. She picked up the phone “Security!” she said.

I turned from her then. Thankfully she was easily convinced and was now getting security to surround the office. We couldn’t let the Saucer People from the planet Saucer to get into the planet Earth’s last line of defense against their invasion.

Unfortunately, that brings us to the end of the story thus far. I’m presently waiting for Doctor Albarn’s return, locked in a small room to keep me hidden and safe from the invasion you’re witnessing now.

Oh, how I pity you all.

I’ll be updating when I can but until then keep a look out for the Saucer People and their frozen pigeon embryos!

 

Grammar is a slippery slope. It starts with an “it’s” when you mean “its” and the next thing you know you’re ending sentences with prepositions and splitting infinitives while making out with your cousin on top of a pile of passed out strippers and cocaine.

 
(via robisanevilgenius)

 

 

_{Note:Sometimes I wish I was funny enough to say things like that, but then I have a feeling that deep down robisanevilgenius is a severly depressed person who will probably commit suicide in the next few months. I plan on living about twice as long as that.}

About a month ago I was reading a book called Timequake. The premise of it (some of it anyway) was that time experienced something like an earthquake and everyone had to live the past ten years over again, doing everything exactly the same, changing not a single detail.

For that amount of time it seems terrifying. But, sometimes, maybe for a month or even just a week it would be good.

And sometimes, no matter how tiresome and energy consuming a week has been, you would do anything to live it all over again. Because the good bits were just that good.

Unfortunately, there is no repeat button on life. There are no convenient timequakes. You just have to keep moving forward and cross your fingers that what comes next is even better.

So, go on – cross your fingers.

DO IT!

I’m waiting…

DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT AND A LITTLE BIT OF SASS is now $16.95*!

What? $16.95*? You’re crazy!!

Yes, $16.95*! And yes I am crazy! but I’d prefer it if you didn’t bring it up in civilized company thank you very much.

But for a limited time only (until the apocalypse) you can get DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT AND A LITTLE BIT OF SASS for $16.95*!

But WAIT!! There’s still more!!

Oh, no there isn’t.

Just buy the book.

Get it now at your local Lulu dealer – Click Here!

 

 

*prices are in USD.

 

P.s. Amazon.com will be reflecting these changes within the next few weeks. Thankyou for calling.

There’s a new Bumblebee Tuna up for you to read, stare at for a moment and quietly chuckle before checking to see that no one saw you.

Click Here

It’s rather amazing how much things can change within the space of a few short months. It’s even more amazing when the changes come in just a few days, it’s almost frightening.

Just a few days ago I was but an unemployed house dweller with no prospects and too much time on his hands.

But now, low and behold, we have a full time student with too much travel time on his hands.

It was early Friday morning, while job hunting amongst the interwebs, that I logged on to the vtac website. I hadn’t done so for at least a week, maybe two, I had actually given up on the tertiary course of action for this half of the year after the disappointment of rounds one and two.

But log on I did and found that I’d been offered a place in a tafe out yonder… really, really out yonder. I rang and arranged for a meeting this coming Monday, today in fact, and hung the phone up. I’ll go as far as to say – I did a little jig that evening.

(I’m skipping over a rather good Sunday afternoon/evening here but that isn’t to say it didn’t happen, it’s just not pertinent to this story. Let’s just say it involved a festival, a russian girl, three dogs, a taxi driver and a few drinks.)

Then we arrive at today. Apart from missing the final connection and having to walk up an extraordinarily long hill, the travel was uneventful – I didn’t even get lost once! But still, I arrived at the meeting five minutes late. (the horror!) and sweaty.

I met, I talked, I listened, I posed for a photo…

And boom!, just like that I come out of the meeting a student. All ready to begin class tomorrow morning.

Wait. Tomorrow morning?

Oh, crap.

This is two kittens in a barrel, look at them in there, having a whale of a time. You see the one on the left? He’s called Phillip.

_{From The Mighty Boosh}

 

I’ve created a monster. An awesome awesome monster.

It seems that the good people of Procrastination Productions got word of my work on the greatest literary masterpiece known to man – Uncle Fuzzies Bunny Cuddle Farm. and have already bought the option to film it.

_{*cough*millions*cough*}

Today they’ve released the first teaser poster -

They’ve also released a synopsis of the film. At first I was a little upset that they seemed to be giving away a lot of the story but it doesn’t really spoil too much of the surprises and there’s still plenty more to keep everyone watching.

Here it is –

In a post-apocalyptic future, a young sexy group of sexy survivors from the first wave of zombie attacks wash ashore on a remote tropical island. The group – A famous doctor, an amateur underwear model, a teenaged computer-whiz and a hip young television reporter – take refuge in an old abandoned fully furnished cottage.

Unbeknownst to the young sexy group, the remote tropical island is the home of a secret genetic research lab run by the infamous Dr Arnold Fuzzington. In an attempt to save humanity, the eccentric scientist has genetically recreated the recently extinct bunny as an alternate food source for the zombies… But before he can finish he needs some human guinea pigs for product testing…

To make matters worse for the sexy young survivors a bunch of the rabid ravenous rabbits, led by a super-smart cottontail, escape from their cages and begin hunting the group down, one by one, to satisfy their new genetically altered carnivorous cravings.

The sexy young group try to make their sexy getaway from the crazy mad scientist and the blood-thirsty bunnies by breaking out of the laboratory and heading into the islands massive jungle…

But what awaits them in the jungle is much more terrifying then they ever imagined.

Who will survive Uncle Fuzzies Bunny Cuddle Farm?

Phineas Black, Reginald P Winterbottom and Thadeus Dinsmore have all signed on to the film.

I’m especially excited about having someone like Reginald P Winterbottom starring in the movie. I think he’s perfect for the role of Mitchel Mitchelson, the wise Janitor who appears from nowhere to fill the group in on the history of the island and the doom that awaits them.

I must admit, I’m a little awestruck around him and can’t wait to start filming. ‘The Archer Affair’ is one of my all time favourites – “You want a puppy? You want a puppy? You can’t handle a puppy!”

Filming will begin shortly after the release/immediate success of the book in September 2012 and should be showing in your local cinema somewhere around 2013-2014 Christmas period.

I’ve created a monster. An awesome awesome monster. And now I have to write the bastard…

There’s a new Bumblebee Tuna up for you to read, stare at for a moment and quietly chuckle before checking to see that no one saw you.

Click Here

Number 10! Milestone high five!!