Archive for the ‘Fiction’ Category

Whilst sitting outside a cafe Saturday an odd thing happened. Quite unexpectedly, strange white egg-like things as cold as ice began falling from somewhere high in the stratosphere.

As I turned from my mildly warm coffee to watch the phenomena I realised that it must be step two in the current secret alien invasion of the Saucer People from the planet Saucer. Quickly, without anyone noticing, I stepped out into the cascading objects and used my lightning fast matrix-style reflexes to dodge all the falling pieces to pick myself a sample.

It would’ve been a faster discovery had my coffee been hot but unfortunately we were in a place with an inadequately skilled barista and had to make do with a slow melting of my sample in a luke warm cup of coffee. Slowly the ice melted away and as if from nowhere a pigeon exploded from my mildly heated coffee and flew out into the storm.

“Gadzooks!” I yelped.

Fortunately, everyone within the coffee-house thought I was performing a magic trick and applauded.

They couldn’t see the horror that was coming.

I took my date by the hand and with visions of the Bourne Identity coming to mind, I leapt into a small european car and began driving through traffic at high speeds as only small european cars can.

“Eeek!” She screamed from the passenger seat as we dodged yet another fire engine and rounded an ambulance and knocked over an old woman being helped across the street by a young scout.

I couldn’t quite hear what she said then, but it sounded like: “Oh my god! You’re so sexy, like an action hero!”

“I know.” I told her. “I know.”

Rain began pouring down. Sheets of water making it more and more difficult to see out the windscreen. I glanced out the side window at the crowds on the streets putting up umbrellas, they were getting a lot of the water but I knew that it was localized over us. They were trying to stop us. The bastards!

I had to stop quickly and I knew only one way to do it. I slammed on the brakes and twisted the steering wheel, turning the small european car into the nearest building. The front crumpled as we came to a complete stop against the wall of the building.

“Quick! Get out of the car!” I yelled, “I don’t want you getting hurt!”

She opened the door and fell out of the car, landing on some of the people that had heroically given their lives to help us stop the vehicle in time. She screamed.

“It’s okay,” I lifted her by the arm. “We’ll be harder to track on foot. they’ll never stop us.”

Then I shouted to the heavens: “Never!!”

The crowd was thick and soggy like a young child’s blanket after a nightmare but we broke through the masses, pushing old people left, young children right and I was forced to send an occupied stroller careening off into the street just to make it through.

I think one man in the crowd was coming to the realisation this was more than just bad weather because I heard him scream out: “You son-of-a-bitch!”

We rounded the corner and leapt up the stairs to Doctor Albarn’s office. He was the only one who would know what to do. I pulled the door open and let my date through first, a time of crisis is no reason to stop being a gentlemen, she looked at me with terrified, wild eyes. She had every reason to be frightened, the invasion was beginning.

I approached the nurses station and I told her to get Doctor Albarn.

“To what is this referring?” She asked casually.

“Are you mad woman?” I yelled, “Can’t you see what’s going on? Those aren’t hailstones outside! They’re cryogenically frozen pigeon embryos!”

She looked at me, obviously scared. She picked up the phone “Security!” she said.

I turned from her then. Thankfully she was easily convinced and was now getting security to surround the office. We couldn’t let the Saucer People from the planet Saucer to get into the planet Earth’s last line of defense against their invasion.

Unfortunately, that brings us to the end of the story thus far. I’m presently waiting for Doctor Albarn’s return, locked in a small room to keep me hidden and safe from the invasion you’re witnessing now.

Oh, how I pity you all.

I’ll be updating when I can but until then keep a look out for the Saucer People and their frozen pigeon embryos!

I’ve created a monster. An awesome awesome monster.

It seems that the good people of Procrastination Productions got word of my work on the greatest literary masterpiece known to man – Uncle Fuzzies Bunny Cuddle Farm. and have already bought the option to film it.

_{*cough*millions*cough*}

Today they’ve released the first teaser poster -

They’ve also released a synopsis of the film. At first I was a little upset that they seemed to be giving away a lot of the story but it doesn’t really spoil too much of the surprises and there’s still plenty more to keep everyone watching.

Here it is –

In a post-apocalyptic future, a young sexy group of sexy survivors from the first wave of zombie attacks wash ashore on a remote tropical island. The group – A famous doctor, an amateur underwear model, a teenaged computer-whiz and a hip young television reporter – take refuge in an old abandoned fully furnished cottage.

Unbeknownst to the young sexy group, the remote tropical island is the home of a secret genetic research lab run by the infamous Dr Arnold Fuzzington. In an attempt to save humanity, the eccentric scientist has genetically recreated the recently extinct bunny as an alternate food source for the zombies… But before he can finish he needs some human guinea pigs for product testing…

To make matters worse for the sexy young survivors a bunch of the rabid ravenous rabbits, led by a super-smart cottontail, escape from their cages and begin hunting the group down, one by one, to satisfy their new genetically altered carnivorous cravings.

The sexy young group try to make their sexy getaway from the crazy mad scientist and the blood-thirsty bunnies by breaking out of the laboratory and heading into the islands massive jungle…

But what awaits them in the jungle is much more terrifying then they ever imagined.

Who will survive Uncle Fuzzies Bunny Cuddle Farm?

Phineas Black, Reginald P Winterbottom and Thadeus Dinsmore have all signed on to the film.

I’m especially excited about having someone like Reginald P Winterbottom starring in the movie. I think he’s perfect for the role of Mitchel Mitchelson, the wise Janitor who appears from nowhere to fill the group in on the history of the island and the doom that awaits them.

I must admit, I’m a little awestruck around him and can’t wait to start filming. ‘The Archer Affair’ is one of my all time favourites – “You want a puppy? You want a puppy? You can’t handle a puppy!”

Filming will begin shortly after the release/immediate success of the book in September 2012 and should be showing in your local cinema somewhere around 2013-2014 Christmas period.

I’ve created a monster. An awesome awesome monster. And now I have to write the bastard…

Once upon a time there was…

“Where do you get your ideas?”

This is a question that many writers are asked… Apparently.

And I hear them sigh at the “Stupid question” and attempt to explain that ideas aren’t like shoes. There isn’t a particular store that the writer goes to and picks up a new pair of ideas because they liked the strap, or their old pair of ideas got worn out from running away from crazed fans like in a Beatles music video.

But here is the real truth.

Each and every one of them do, in fact, have a secret place where they get their ideas. They just don’t want to tell you about it because you are very untrustworthy and might pilfer their ideas.

But you wouldn’t do that would you?

No.

So I’m going to tell you my big secret. Just between you and me. Where do I get my ideas? I’ll tell you.

In my backyard, underneath an old tree is a two hundred year old brick lined water well. Unbeknownst to all but me, this is no ordinary two hundred year old well centred in a fifteen year old suburb. It is a portal to a magical world full of magical creatures such as penguins who practice various forms of martial arts, bunnies who are all named Sebastian but are never confused as to who you’re talking to and horses who change colour on impact… to name just a few.

As you exit the portal you’ll find yourself in a vast forest, look around for a large yellow rock shaped like Keanu Reeves. Just next to that you’ll see a large tree with a knot in it. If you ask the tree which direction you should walk in then… Well, the squirrels will all laugh at you. Trees don’t talk. Stupid.

The squirrels, on the other hand, will be very helpful in directing you where to go. However, they won’t listen to you at all if you don’t talk in rhyme. Here is one that I have memorised -

The squirrels will take you through the forest to a clearing where stands a house built out of old Philip K Dick books. Open up the Ubik door and step inside. They serve a lovely brunch for only $4.95, and also – they serve their breakfast menu all day. That’s right, It’s a magical world. (P.s. Try the Palmer Eldritch. It’s to die for!)

After you have finished your meal and have exited in style through the bathroom window, head down the hill to the lake where the penguins swim and do tai chi. Hire a canoe from the old man with a corn cob pipe and head out across the lake. Just a note: Keep an eye out for sea monsters.

Once on the other side of the lake you’ll find yourself in a meadow of beautiful daffodils. Head to the northern most part of the meadow where it begins to raise toward the snow capped mountains. There you will find a two hundred year old brick lined water well underneath an old tree. Now, this is no ordinary two hundred year old well centred in a magical world full of creatures such as penguins who practice martial arts, bunnies who are all named Sebastian and horses who change colour on impact…

It is, in fact, a magical well. A magical well that holds every idea imaginable.

And that is where my ideas come from.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

To end this argument once and for all, I headed into the woods.

There were three things I would need.

1 – A video camera with a working microphone.

2 – A tree that would fall within my limited window for this experiment.

3 – A second tree to be used as a control subject.

After several hours of searching, I finally found a suitable tree for the experiment. It was a great distance from the local population and through a series of tests determined that no one would accidentally hear the tree fall and thus ruin the experiment. All the leaves had long since fallen and It had significant rotting around the base, It was only a matter of a few days until this giant would fall.

I set up my video camera with a motion activated sensor. If the tree moved more than a few inches, it would be recorded.

I left my subject to it’s own schedule and went on to find my control subject.

In order to prove that a sound is made by a tree that isn’t heard, first I would need to show that a tree with an audience makes a sound.

After another short search I found my perfect control subject. It looked much like the subject of my experiment minus the rot around the base. I grabbed my axe and went to work chopping at the tree.

It took several hours of ‘experimenting’ with my axe in hand, when I finally came to the conclusion that a tree with an audience does, in fact, make several sounds.

First, it makes a deep rumbling groan. This is followed closely by the sound of the tree cutting through the air as it falls toward the earth. Soon afterwards comes the crushing sounds of the tree landing on somebody’s rooftop and crashing through into their living room.

This is followed close behind by a lot of shouting and finally sirens approaching from the distance as I decided that it was time to check back with my experiment…

Fast.

As I approached my experiment I was happy to find that the tree had already made it’s final descent and landed on the ground, knocking over another couple of trees in the process. My results should be very conclusive.

Unfortunately, as I arrived at the site of my experiment I found that my camera had been stolen.

I searched the site for any evidence of who had stolen my camera but found only leaves. There was only one conclusion I could have come to. I believe this theft to be part of a vast conspiracy by the trees, in an attempt to keep quiet the sounds of the unwitnessed forest.

They will not succeed in keeping me quiet for long.

Until next time, I’ll be working on the sound of one hand clapping…

Happy new month’s eve everybody.

Tomorrow is April Fool’s day. Any plans anybody?

I’ve come up with a few of the most brilliant pranks in the world. So try them out, cause some mayhem, pat a kitty, I know I will.

Prank 1 – You’ll need a large A4 piece of paper, a black pen and and some stippy take… sticky tail… sticky tape. That’s the one. Write a message on the piece of paper with the black pen, something along the lines of “Kick Me” or “Hit Me” and finally, using the stippy take… uh… sticky tape, Attach said message to some unsuspecting victim’s back.

This prank is my favourite because it works on two levels,

For One - you have your victim who will spend the entire day being hit or kicked and have no understanding as to why, they will begin to wonder if it is something they are doing and develop serious self-image problems, their self-esteem will plummet leading to alcoholism or drug problems and possibly even suicide.

For Two – You have your unsuspecting witnesses. People of the public who see this sign on your victims back and have no idea what to think. “Why would anybody want to put a sign like this on their back?” They’re think. They assume this is some sort of fetishism they have never heard of, their world isn’t so small and safe any more. Maybe they even begin to experiment, placing their own “kick me” signs on their backs. Suddenly a new cult of Kick-me-tologists begins and the world is over run by people asking for a beating in order to be closer to their god, The all powerful punching bag.

Prank 2 – You’ll need a salt shaker and access to the victim’s sugar bowl. The third ingredient is – patience. Empty out the victim’s sugar bowl and fill it full of salt. Simple as that. Then, you play the waiting game (mind you, this isn’t an actual game but a common phrase to denote waiting for an unknown period of time – I learned that the hard way)

Find a place to watch your victim where you won’t be seen or suspected. It is possible to hide in plain sight but this will restrict your ability to giggle at the folly of your victim.

The best choice for this prank is an avid coffee drinker as it won’t be a long wait until they’ll be spooning the fake sugar into their cup. Watch as they take their first unsuspecting sip only to spit it into the sink. It is this moment that your victim will glance around to see if they’re being watched – Make sure you look away or duck, in accordance to your hiding situation. Your victim will then proceed to wash their cup and attempt a new concoction, which as only you will know, is doomed to fail as well.

The funniest part of this prank comes when your victim begins to suspect, after the third or fourth attempt to make a decent cup of coffee, that something is medically wrong with them. Is it possible their taste buds have become defective or is it possible they have a tumor or brain cancer, they will think to themselves. Watch your victim as the weeks roll on and they begin to show signs of their cancer treatments. They lose their hair and energy, finally becoming sick for long periods of time. Due to many days off work, they will finally lose their job and find themselves unable to pay their bills or rent.

It is when you come across your victim on the street, bald and frail and begging for change, that you can jump up and down and yell “April Fool’s!”

Note – This prank can also be done in reverse by putting sugar in their salt shaker.

Prank 3 – Nothing at all is needed for this prank except your unsuspecting victim. All you need to do is to get your victim to run an errand for you. Ask them to run to the shop and fetch you a ‘left-handed screwdriver’ or ‘checkered paint’ or even a ‘magazine for the hearing impaired’. Tell them it is very important that you get said item. The joke is this – These items don’t actually exist!

Your victim will run from shop to shop asking the staff if they had said item, but none of them will.
Your victim will then spend the rest of his days trying to find the item for you to no success, forgetting about their own needs they will slowly become dehydrated only to collapse somewhere between shops and finally die of exhaustion or starvation.

An added bonus to this joke is that, if you plan it well, it is possible your victim from prank 2 will arrive on the scene and steal their shoes.

Merry April Fool’s Day and Happy New Ear everyone!