Posts Tagged ‘Animal attacks’

First it was from the air and now they attack from the ground. They planned a stealthy ground attack this time, sending a blue-tongued lizard to approach quietly from the jungles of my front yard.

It is a common fallacy that blue-tongued lizards are named so because of the colour of their tongues. While it is true that their tongue’s are blue this was actually caused by a miscalculation in a genetics laboratory in 1969 by Dr. Louis Zahur, long after they had already been given the name. Blue-tongued lizards were in fact named so for their propensity to curse a blue-streak.

This is actually how I came to discover one such evil beast lurking in my garden, preparing for his attack.

I was just sitting down, enjoying the latest episode of a repeat show that was canceled before it was made, when I heard from the yard – “God damn, sonofabitch!”. I paused the tv and went to investigate, but saw nothing. Then I heard “Mother Bitch!!” and “Son of a Crack Ho!”

And then I knew what it was. There was only one evil beast that was capable of such profanity and that was the dreaded Blue-Tongued Lizard…

And there is only one way to defeat a blue-tongued lizard. You have to out-curse him. For every swear word and insult about how fat yo’ mama is, you need to come right back with a crack about his mothers infidelity or an insult so degrading that he would have no way of redeeming himself in the eyes of his peers.

He yelled up to me in a voice not unlike Grandpa Simpson, “Hey you! Shit-for-a-face! What do you think you’re doing treatin’ a bird that way?”

(the lizard was referring to the encounter I had with a kingfisher less than a fortnight ago – Seen Here)

I yelled back, “Your mother said she enjoyed it!”

“Bitch, Leave my mother out of this!” He shouted back, “and once we find out who yours is, I’ll do the same!”

I came back at him with a quick, “Yo mama’s so hairy the only language she understands his wookie!”

To which he replied, “Yo mama’s such a bitch when I tell her to sit, she does… and then expects a treat!”

“You’re losing it, you bastard!” I yelled to the demon lizard in the dirt.

“Yeah well, Yo mama’s an astronaut!” It yelled before disappearing back into the jungle of my front yard.

I don’t think this is the last attack I’ll receive from the animal kingdom, but thus far it’s two-nil… so I say Bring it on!

It was a night like most others. I was somewhere between relaxing on the couch and checking the internets for updates (I have quite a bad case of update-itis, which means I must check the internets every thirteen minutes and eighteen seconds without fail). When, suddenly, I was viciously attacked by a wild animal! It darted into my room in a flurry of wings and squawks and perched itself in an attack position on my dvd shelves.

This beast is known as the Kingfisher. Named so because in the middle ages these birds would sit in trees and dangle large steaks attached to thin wire by hooks. They would wait for a hungry king to pass by and… well the rest is history.

In modern times, however, the Kingfisher is known for having poisonous darts which it shoots from its long beak and microbombs which it disperses from it’s wings as it passes overhead. So, I was sure to duck for cover each time this vicious animal crossed the room, attempt after attempt of fly by shooting. It tried to corner me, outsmart me. It tried to cut off all avenues of escape -

Finally, I got the best of it. The hunted capturing the hunter, I outsmarted this beast with a very basic rule of indoor combat fighting. – You must have walls. The Kingfisher was unaware that I had placed a wall in its path and thus it fell to the ground, warning me off with it’s horrible squawks.

Using my skills in combat hypnosis, a secret skill passed down to me from Master Smith in the jungles of Siberia, I hypnotized the devilish animal into submission. And, using my back-scratcher with extended attack reach, I lifted the animal and took it to the forests outside where it was to spend the rest of its days in exile, for the Kingfisher community is not a forgiving one.

I felt that punishment enough for its attacks on my life…