Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

From: The Big Bang Theory – “The Pirate Solution”

“Where do you get your ideas?”

This is a question that many writers are asked… Apparently.

And I hear them sigh at the “Stupid question” and attempt to explain that ideas aren’t like shoes. There isn’t a particular store that the writer goes to and picks up a new pair of ideas because they liked the strap, or their old pair of ideas got worn out from running away from crazed fans like in a Beatles music video.

But here is the real truth.

Each and every one of them do, in fact, have a secret place where they get their ideas. They just don’t want to tell you about it because you are very untrustworthy and might pilfer their ideas.

But you wouldn’t do that would you?

No.

So I’m going to tell you my big secret. Just between you and me. Where do I get my ideas? I’ll tell you.

In my backyard, underneath an old tree is a two hundred year old brick lined water well. Unbeknownst to all but me, this is no ordinary two hundred year old well centred in a fifteen year old suburb. It is a portal to a magical world full of magical creatures such as penguins who practice various forms of martial arts, bunnies who are all named Sebastian but are never confused as to who you’re talking to and horses who change colour on impact… to name just a few.

As you exit the portal you’ll find yourself in a vast forest, look around for a large yellow rock shaped like Keanu Reeves. Just next to that you’ll see a large tree with a knot in it. If you ask the tree which direction you should walk in then… Well, the squirrels will all laugh at you. Trees don’t talk. Stupid.

The squirrels, on the other hand, will be very helpful in directing you where to go. However, they won’t listen to you at all if you don’t talk in rhyme. Here is one that I have memorised -

The squirrels will take you through the forest to a clearing where stands a house built out of old Philip K Dick books. Open up the Ubik door and step inside. They serve a lovely brunch for only $4.95, and also – they serve their breakfast menu all day. That’s right, It’s a magical world. (P.s. Try the Palmer Eldritch. It’s to die for!)

After you have finished your meal and have exited in style through the bathroom window, head down the hill to the lake where the penguins swim and do tai chi. Hire a canoe from the old man with a corn cob pipe and head out across the lake. Just a note: Keep an eye out for sea monsters.

Once on the other side of the lake you’ll find yourself in a meadow of beautiful daffodils. Head to the northern most part of the meadow where it begins to raise toward the snow capped mountains. There you will find a two hundred year old brick lined water well underneath an old tree. Now, this is no ordinary two hundred year old well centred in a magical world full of creatures such as penguins who practice martial arts, bunnies who are all named Sebastian and horses who change colour on impact…

It is, in fact, a magical well. A magical well that holds every idea imaginable.

And that is where my ideas come from.

This is my favourite coffee mug…

Well? Say hello!

One may very well ask why it is my favourite coffee mug. One may say “Jeremy, while they hold the same quantity, you usually prefer the taller mugs where as this one is squat and fat… wouldn’t that immediately disqualify it from being your favourite coffee mug?”

And to this I would answer “Yeah, but…”

Ofcourse one may then rudely interrupt and continue with their observational questions. They might then say “But jeremy, this mug has a small handle only allowing for one or maybe two fingers where as you usually enjoy a handle large enough for at least three or more fingers. Would this not disqualify it from being your favourite coffee mug?

And to this I would nod politely because I knew that one had not finished and would thus interrupt any attempt on my part to answer at this time.

Then one may continue on this path of questioning and ask “Also, I notice this mug is brown and therefore does not go with anything in your closet! Wouldn’t this also disqualify it from being your favourite mug?”

And to all this I would say “This is true. I’m not sure why this is my favourite mug.”

and this is true. I’m not sure why this is my favourite mug. But it is. I’ve had it for at least five or six years now and it’s still holding coffee as well as it did on that first day when I brought it home, peeled off its price tag and then scratched all that sticky stuff that the price tag left behind and then cleaned it because you should always clean mugs when first bringing them….

I lost my train of thought.

Anyway, the best thing about my favourite coffee mug is -

It has coffee in it.

From Cyanide and Happiness

Saw this at Tor.Com.

It makes me giggle on so many levels…

If anyone one knows who the genius was that created this, let me know.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

To end this argument once and for all, I headed into the woods.

There were three things I would need.

1 – A video camera with a working microphone.

2 – A tree that would fall within my limited window for this experiment.

3 – A second tree to be used as a control subject.

After several hours of searching, I finally found a suitable tree for the experiment. It was a great distance from the local population and through a series of tests determined that no one would accidentally hear the tree fall and thus ruin the experiment. All the leaves had long since fallen and It had significant rotting around the base, It was only a matter of a few days until this giant would fall.

I set up my video camera with a motion activated sensor. If the tree moved more than a few inches, it would be recorded.

I left my subject to it’s own schedule and went on to find my control subject.

In order to prove that a sound is made by a tree that isn’t heard, first I would need to show that a tree with an audience makes a sound.

After another short search I found my perfect control subject. It looked much like the subject of my experiment minus the rot around the base. I grabbed my axe and went to work chopping at the tree.

It took several hours of ‘experimenting’ with my axe in hand, when I finally came to the conclusion that a tree with an audience does, in fact, make several sounds.

First, it makes a deep rumbling groan. This is followed closely by the sound of the tree cutting through the air as it falls toward the earth. Soon afterwards comes the crushing sounds of the tree landing on somebody’s rooftop and crashing through into their living room.

This is followed close behind by a lot of shouting and finally sirens approaching from the distance as I decided that it was time to check back with my experiment…

Fast.

As I approached my experiment I was happy to find that the tree had already made it’s final descent and landed on the ground, knocking over another couple of trees in the process. My results should be very conclusive.

Unfortunately, as I arrived at the site of my experiment I found that my camera had been stolen.

I searched the site for any evidence of who had stolen my camera but found only leaves. There was only one conclusion I could have come to. I believe this theft to be part of a vast conspiracy by the trees, in an attempt to keep quiet the sounds of the unwitnessed forest.

They will not succeed in keeping me quiet for long.

Until next time, I’ll be working on the sound of one hand clapping…

A few years ago while in a particularly silly mood I came up with the name Bruce the Magical Unicorn. I always wanted to do something with it – write a ridiculous short story or something…

Until now. Someone has done something much better with a loosely similar idea in mind. (similar because they both have unicorn in the name)

This is Charlie the Unicorn.

Charlie the Unicon’s webstore