Saw this at Tor.Com.

It makes me giggle on so many levels…

I thought this was hilarious so I had to pass it along. It’s by Jim C. Hines, Check out his Livejournal - here

I am the Very Model of a Modern SF Novelist

I am the very model of a modern SF novelist,
I’ve manuscripts space opera, anime, and fantasist,
I know the kings of fandom and the best flamewars historical
From Andrew Burt to LiveJournal, in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted too, with matters editorial,
I keep my cover letters brief and never too suctorial,
About rejection etiquette I’m teeming with propriety,
With many cheerful facts about your online notoriety,
I’m very good at worldbuilding and proper use of ansibles;
I know the hyphenated names of beings unpronounceable:
In short, in matters space opera, anime, and fantasist,
I am the very model of a modern SF novelist.

I know our genre history, from H. G. Wells to Arthur Clarke,
I’ve read so much time travel, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in panel talks the wise advice of Crispin and Miss Snark,
I study wormholes, galaxies and theories about matter dark;
I can tell a work professional from books Publish America,
I know the Eye of Argon from Conan of Cimmeria!
Then I can hum the melody from every last John Williams score,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal film Fantastic Four.
I’ll write you books of goblin war and princesses who won’t conform,
And tell show you every detail of a goblin warrior’s uniform:
In short, in matters space opera, anime, and fantasist,
I am the very model of a modern SF novelist.

In fact, when I know what is meant by “grok” and “droid” and “FTL”,
When I can tell at sight the sword Excalibur from Anduril,
When twists in stories I perceive by reading just one paragraph,
And when I know precisely how to pen a clever epigraph,
When I have followed breakthroughs yearly in e-book technology,
When I know more of grammar than my profs from University–
In short, when you run out and buy and read every last book by me–
You’ll say a better novelist has never writ a fantasy.
My works even appear in many dialects European,
Thanks to the perserverence of my agent JABberwockian;
In short, in matters space opera, anime, and fantasist,
I am the very model of a modern SF novelist.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

To end this argument once and for all, I headed into the woods.

There were three things I would need.

1 - A video camera with a working microphone.

2 - A tree that would fall within my limited window for this experiment.

3 - A second tree to be used as a control subject.

After several hours of searching, I finally found a suitable tree for the experiment. It was a great distance from the local population and through a series of tests determined that no one would accidentally hear the tree fall and thus ruin the experiment. All the leaves had long since fallen and It had significant rotting around the base, It was only a matter of a few days until this giant would fall.

I set up my video camera with a motion activated sensor. If the tree moved more than a few inches, it would be recorded.

I left my subject to it’s own schedule and went on to find my control subject.

In order to prove that a sound is made by a tree that isn’t heard, first I would need to show that a tree with an audience makes a sound.

After another short search I found my perfect control subject. It looked much like the subject of my experiment minus the rot around the base. I grabbed my axe and went to work chopping at the tree.

It took several hours of ‘experimenting’ with my axe in hand, when I finally came to the conclusion that a tree with an audience does, in fact, make several sounds.

First, it makes a deep rumbling groan. This is followed closely by the sound of the tree cutting through the air as it falls toward the earth. Soon afterwards comes the crushing sounds of the tree landing on somebody’s rooftop and crashing through into their living room.

This is followed close behind by a lot of shouting and finally sirens approaching from the distance as I decided that it was time to check back with my experiment…

Fast.

As I approached my experiment I was happy to find that the tree had already made it’s final descent and landed on the ground, knocking over another couple of trees in the process. My results should be very conclusive.

Unfortunately, as I arrived at the site of my experiment I found that my camera had been stolen.

I searched the site for any evidence of who had stolen my camera but found only leaves. There was only one conclusion I could have come to. I believe this theft to be part of a vast conspiracy by the trees, in an attempt to keep quiet the sounds of the unwitnessed forest.

They will not succeed in keeping me quiet for long.

Until next time, I’ll be working on the sound of one hand clapping…

A few years ago while in a particularly silly mood I came up with the name Bruce the Magical Unicorn. I always wanted to do something with it - write a ridiculous short story or something…

Until now. Someone has done something much better with a loosely similar idea in mind. (similar because they both have unicorn in the name)

This is Charlie the Unicorn.

Charlie the Unicon’s webstore

Happy new month’s eve everybody.

Tomorrow is April Fool’s day. Any plans anybody?

I’ve come up with a few of the most brilliant pranks in the world. So try them out, cause some mayhem, pat a kitty, I know I will.

Prank 1 - You’ll need a large A4 piece of paper, a black pen and and some stippy take… sticky tail… sticky tape. That’s the one. Write a message on the piece of paper with the black pen, something along the lines of “Kick Me” or “Hit Me” and finally, using the stippy take… uh… sticky tape, Attach said message to some unsuspecting victim’s back.

This prank is my favourite because it works on two levels,

For One - you have your victim who will spend the entire day being hit or kicked and have no understanding as to why, they will begin to wonder if it is something they are doing and develop serious self-image problems, their self-esteem will plummet leading to alcoholism or drug problems and possibly even suicide.

For Two - You have your unsuspecting witnesses. People of the public who see this sign on your victims back and have no idea what to think. “Why would anybody want to put a sign like this on their back?” They’re think. They assume this is some sort of fetishism they have never heard of, their world isn’t so small and safe any more. Maybe they even begin to experiment, placing their own “kick me” signs on their backs. Suddenly a new cult of Kick-me-tologists begins and the world is over run by people asking for a beating in order to be closer to their god, The all powerful punching bag.

Prank 2 - You’ll need a salt shaker and access to the victim’s sugar bowl. The third ingredient is - patience. Empty out the victim’s sugar bowl and fill it full of salt. Simple as that. Then, you play the waiting game (mind you, this isn’t an actual game but a common phrase to denote waiting for an unknown period of time - I learned that the hard way)

Find a place to watch your victim where you won’t be seen or suspected. It is possible to hide in plain sight but this will restrict your ability to giggle at the folly of your victim.

The best choice for this prank is an avid coffee drinker as it won’t be a long wait until they’ll be spooning the fake sugar into their cup. Watch as they take their first unsuspecting sip only to spit it into the sink. It is this moment that your victim will glance around to see if they’re being watched - Make sure you look away or duck, in accordance to your hiding situation. Your victim will then proceed to wash their cup and attempt a new concoction, which as only you will know, is doomed to fail as well.

The funniest part of this prank comes when your victim begins to suspect, after the third or fourth attempt to make a decent cup of coffee, that something is medically wrong with them. Is it possible their taste buds have become defective or is it possible they have a tumor or brain cancer, they will think to themselves. Watch your victim as the weeks roll on and they begin to show signs of their cancer treatments. They lose their hair and energy, finally becoming sick for long periods of time. Due to many days off work, they will finally lose their job and find themselves unable to pay their bills or rent.

It is when you come across your victim on the street, bald and frail and begging for change, that you can jump up and down and yell “April Fool’s!”

Note - This prank can also be done in reverse by putting sugar in their salt shaker.

Prank 3 - Nothing at all is needed for this prank except your unsuspecting victim. All you need to do is to get your victim to run an errand for you. Ask them to run to the shop and fetch you a ‘left-handed screwdriver’ or ‘checkered paint’ or even a ‘magazine for the hearing impaired’. Tell them it is very important that you get said item. The joke is this - These items don’t actually exist!

Your victim will run from shop to shop asking the staff if they had said item, but none of them will.
Your victim will then spend the rest of his days trying to find the item for you to no success, forgetting about their own needs they will slowly become dehydrated only to collapse somewhere between shops and finally die of exhaustion or starvation.

An added bonus to this joke is that, if you plan it well, it is possible your victim from prank 2 will arrive on the scene and steal their shoes.

Merry April Fool’s Day and Happy New Ear everyone!