Posts Tagged ‘Matrix’

Whilst sitting outside a cafe Saturday an odd thing happened. Quite unexpectedly, strange white egg-like things as cold as ice began falling from somewhere high in the stratosphere.

As I turned from my mildly warm coffee to watch the phenomena I realised that it must be step two in the current secret alien invasion of the Saucer People from the planet Saucer. Quickly, without anyone noticing, I stepped out into the cascading objects and used my lightning fast matrix-style reflexes to dodge all the falling pieces to pick myself a sample.

It would’ve been a faster discovery had my coffee been hot but unfortunately we were in a place with an inadequately skilled barista and had to make do with a slow melting of my sample in a luke warm cup of coffee. Slowly the ice melted away and as if from nowhere a pigeon exploded from my mildly heated coffee and flew out into the storm.

“Gadzooks!” I yelped.

Fortunately, everyone within the coffee-house thought I was performing a magic trick and applauded.

They couldn’t see the horror that was coming.

I took my date by the hand and with visions of the Bourne Identity coming to mind, I leapt into a small european car and began driving through traffic at high speeds as only small european cars can.

“Eeek!” She screamed from the passenger seat as we dodged yet another fire engine and rounded an ambulance and knocked over an old woman being helped across the street by a young scout.

I couldn’t quite hear what she said then, but it sounded like: “Oh my god! You’re so sexy, like an action hero!”

“I know.” I told her. “I know.”

Rain began pouring down. Sheets of water making it more and more difficult to see out the windscreen. I glanced out the side window at the crowds on the streets putting up umbrellas, they were getting a lot of the water but I knew that it was localized over us. They were trying to stop us. The bastards!

I had to stop quickly and I knew only one way to do it. I slammed on the brakes and twisted the steering wheel, turning the small european car into the nearest building. The front crumpled as we came to a complete stop against the wall of the building.

“Quick! Get out of the car!” I yelled, “I don’t want you getting hurt!”

She opened the door and fell out of the car, landing on some of the people that had heroically given their lives to help us stop the vehicle in time. She screamed.

“It’s okay,” I lifted her by the arm. “We’ll be harder to track on foot. they’ll never stop us.”

Then I shouted to the heavens: “Never!!”

The crowd was thick and soggy like a young child’s blanket after a nightmare but we broke through the masses, pushing old people left, young children right and I was forced to send an occupied stroller careening off into the street just to make it through.

I think one man in the crowd was coming to the realisation this was more than just bad weather because I heard him scream out: “You son-of-a-bitch!”

We rounded the corner and leapt up the stairs to Doctor Albarn’s office. He was the only one who would know what to do. I pulled the door open and let my date through first, a time of crisis is no reason to stop being a gentlemen, she looked at me with terrified, wild eyes. She had every reason to be frightened, the invasion was beginning.

I approached the nurses station and I told her to get Doctor Albarn.

“To what is this referring?” She asked casually.

“Are you mad woman?” I yelled, “Can’t you see what’s going on? Those aren’t hailstones outside! They’re cryogenically frozen pigeon embryos!”

She looked at me, obviously scared. She picked up the phone “Security!” she said.

I turned from her then. Thankfully she was easily convinced and was now getting security to surround the office. We couldn’t let the Saucer People from the planet Saucer to get into the planet Earth’s last line of defense against their invasion.

Unfortunately, that brings us to the end of the story thus far. I’m presently waiting for Doctor Albarn’s return, locked in a small room to keep me hidden and safe from the invasion you’re witnessing now.

Oh, how I pity you all.

I’ll be updating when I can but until then keep a look out for the Saucer People and their frozen pigeon embryos!