Holy Crap, I loved this movie.

As a dollar Tuesday at the local video rental place and a day off work for me, I was at the video shop early. My only problem: Trying to find something that’s not crap. I find it terribly hard to find movies that aren’t entirely predictable. I mostly hope to get a few surprises along the way before reaching the obvious end.

I grabbed a few dvds off the shelf that I hadn’t heard too much about. One was Gabriel, a thoroughly disappointing film about archangels fighting for control of purgatory. It seemed like it could’ve been something special but it wasn’t. Maybe some more research and a few more script drafts first.

The second was Tin Man. A mini-series “based” on the wizard of oz. There wasn’t a great deal to it but it was a bit of fun. Unfortunately the video shop clerk forgot the second dvd. I’ll have to watch the final part tomorrow, after bruising some skulls.

The third was Southland Tales. I saw the cover. The words - “Sarah Michelle Gellar” slapped me across the face. As a long time Buffy fan, I immediately picked it up.

“I think I heard something about this a while back,” I thought to myself. “Doesn’t Buffy play a porn star?”

And so, without closer inspection of the cover of the dvd, I paid my three dollars and took my pile of plastic home for an afternoon of entertainment.

Later that night, after being thoroughly pissed that I couldn’t watch the end of Tin Man, I grumpily threw the Southland Tales dvd into the machine.

Four seconds into the movie I got my first surprise.

I paused. “Did someone say my favourite phrase - The end of the world?”

I immediately perked up. I have a penchant for end of the world stories.

Then came the cast. A number of familiar faces popped up all through the movie. One in particular was Christopher Lambert. I had only yesterday been thinking about an old movie of his called Nirvana and wondered to myself whether he’d made anything recently. Well, I got my answer.

Then, around the time that Jon Lovitz arrived on screen and did his dirty deed, I knew I loved this movie. I watched as the strings that would soon intertwine each revealed themselves.

I wondered, “Who came up with this Hilarious and brilliant piece of work?”

I found out on the imdb that it was Richard Kelly. Writer of another favourite of mine - Donnie Darko. Another movie I had picked up knowing nothing about, except that it starred “that guy from Bubble Boy”.

I watched on and began to notice several similarities between Donnie Darko and Southland Tales. For instance - They both feature a character with a bullet wound to the eye.

Also, much like Donnie Darko, When the credits rolled I sat fixated on the screen.

A few years ago while in a particularly silly mood I came up with the name Bruce the Magical Unicorn. I always wanted to do something with it - write a ridiculous short story or something…

Until now. Someone has done something much better with a loosely similar idea in mind. (similar because they both have unicorn in the name)

This is Charlie the Unicorn.

Charlie the Unicon’s webstore

I just saw another movie which came to the end with the good guys holding a gun at the bad guys and then this sentence

“If I kill him then I’m no better than he is…”

I just have one question. What the bloody hell does that mean anyway? seriously? Is there a flimsier excuse for not killing the bad guy?

You’ve been trying to defeat this cretin for the last 90 minutes of film while he’s been killing your father or all of your friends or stealing and pillaging and plundering and whatever, and simply killing the bastard makes you as bad as he is?

What if Sigourney Weaver had said that in Alien? What if Nightmare on Elm St had ended with that line? What if Uma Thurman had said that at the end of Kill Bill? What if Bruce Campbell had said that at the end of Army of Darkness?
And then! To make matters (or should I say the film) worse - The bad guy gets up and attacks again… And they end up killing him anyway!

Can anyone say convoluted crap?

Whoever started this needs a swift kick in the nards… and likewise to anybody who ever wrote this into their script.

Double that if they thought it was a good idea.